Sunday, August 31, 2008

Not about Myth - Maybe

So here's something personal.

I had a wonderful brunch today with my friend Jayne at a West LA diner called John O' Groats. Fantastic fish and chips. But much as I love Jayne and the fish and chips, that's not why I'm writing this.

After the meal we drove back across town and saw a shop (which shall remain nameless) with some really nice Indian skirts out front. We pulled over and went in. While we were admiring the clothes and jewelry, the owner came out, a very handsome and athletic man in his 50's (who shall also remain nameless) who told us about his career as a dancer. Almost all the time he was looking straight at me. After about 25 minutes and we had to leave, he gave us both CDs of his dance music. We told him we'd be back in. (And I will as soon as I get my next paycheck; there was a lapis lazuli necklace there that I WILL have.)

As we walked back to the car, I said to Jayne, "Do you feel that someone was being flirted with?"

"Yes," she said, "And it wasn't me." Jayne is a Natal woman.

That was at about 3 pm. It is now 8 pm and I'm still digesting the idea.

First of all, the picture on this blog is my favorite picture of myself, but it is not the most representational. That is why it is my favorite. (Fortuitous lighting and angle and a touch of Photoshop.) I'm 56 years old and I look it. I'm about 6o pounds overweight, I can't get the voice the way I want it, and I'm 5' 11" in flats. I get clocked.

Secondly, I'm Lesbian. No, I'm straight. That all depends on which of me you're dealing with. Multiple personae? Isn't that insane? I don't know, but it works for me. Up to a point. One of my major adolescent questions was, "Am I gay?" Hmmm.... I thought Sophia Loren was the most beautiful woman on Earth. I wanted simultaneously to be with her and simply to be her. Did a double appreciation apply, say, Paul Newman? Any sexual attraction?


How about if I was Sophia Loren and had all that pertained to Sophia Loren? I suppose.

So the long and the short of it is, I'll be POSSIBLY interested in having sex with a man if and when I have a vagina. I don't have one now, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have one in the foreseeable future. And frankly, I find the male anatomy such a turnoff that I don't understand why all women aren't Lesbians. And let's not even talk about anal penetration. (On the other hand, though, being courted looks like a pretty good racket.)

So I was being flirted with by a guy and I've been eating it up with a spoon ever since. And I know I was clocked because Jane is glamorous and beautiful and this guy kept looking straight at me. He was concentrating on me BECAUSE he knew I was a tranny. There's a blow to the vanity.

So now I'm dealing with this: I was indirectly hit on by a handsome guy (did I mention the diamond and ruby rings?) who was hitting on me because I am who I am.

I'm going to go back to the store and buy a couple of skirts and find out the price of the necklace. There's not much I can do to follow up if he flirts with me again. But I think I'm looking forward to it.


Anonymous said...

Hi Gillian,

This is Eva-Genevieve!

Nice blog!

For the sake of other readers, since you already know this about me, I am transgender - MtF, full time and planning to go all the way with SRS and other procedures when possible. What you said here parallels my emotions, logic and thoughts on who I want as a partner. As a Man I was straight and would gag at the thought of being with a man. To this day have never been with a genetic man and my manfriend is an FtM transgenderd man. Most of my life I thought of myself as a lesbian in a man's body and now that I live full time as a woman I have had to give myself premission to think like I already have a vagina. Now some men do become very tantalizing and the thought of them and being penetrated makes me gasp with desire when I am thinking in this mode. However, attraction to women has not lessened in the slightest. I have come to the conclusion that I am simply bi now. Even so, the thought of being with a genetic man while I still have this plumbing problem does not sit well at all because I have no place to put him but I have all that desire, so what I would end up with is all confused. I know once I have had the surgery and am healed and the sensitivity in the nerves is back in the correct inner places I will want a genetic man very badly - at least to know what it is really like - my imagination runs wild. I have no idea if my attraction to women at that point will lessen or vanish. It is amazing how "that little piece of skin" still has so much influence.

The ocasional flirt from either a man or a woman now sends shivers through me. Those sexy shivers I never had before as a man. I guess I feel things more now because of two years of hormone thearapy and an entirely different way of thinking. I find the changes I am going through are very rewarding - the word "delicious" comes to mind here.


Gillian said...

Hi Eva.

It sure does change the playing board, doesn't it? I'm not even on HRT and I'm feeling... I'm still not sure. Anyway, it's 10:30 and I'm taking it to bed.

G'Night, Luv.

Anonymous said...

"I'm Lesbian. No, I'm straight. That all depends on which of me you're dealing with."

I totally identify with this. The whole am I gay question was once a very simple no. Then as I began to except myself as transgender it became an issue of whether I was thinking of myself as a woman or a man. Then it became more muddied as I began to see some men as attractive. I've lately come to the conclusion that I'm just attracted to people.