Sunday, February 15, 2009

Another Recurring Epiphany

Gender is most often not the problem.

For decades I thought the being transgendered was the major problem of my life.
It's not. If anything, I can list it amongst those things which make me interesting.

I say this as a caution to those who think that a full acceptance of their right-gendered selves or that going through a physical transition will be the solution of all their problems. It may solve a problem of self-esteem, but I can say with confidence that in either of my gender identities, the true banes of my existence still persist.

To wit:

1. Attention Deficit Disorder - it's real, and it can be a royal pain. Imagine life as being a party, a really loud party, and you are trying to carry on a conversation through a cacophony of voices and stimuli. If you do focus, you focus to the exclusion of everything else, and very often upon a detail that, in the long run, is insignificant. My world, then, is like a never-ending "Where's Waldo" book. It can be mitigated by a cup of Yorkshire tea (the Red Bull of teas), and a calmly-composed "to-do" list. (If I don't lose that list...and those phone numbers...and that email address...and that work order number...)

2. I'm a Project Slut. I'm just a girl who can't say, "No." And, unfortunately, unlike Ado Annie, I'm not talking about sex. It may be the legacy of an unpopular childhood, but I have this insatiable need to make myself useful - to the detriment of my own projects.

Now several very sizable chickens have come home to roost, and I've only just been able to squeeze out the time for this posting.

So... Would these propensities vanish were I to transition? Bluntly, no. They are the ingrained behaviors of half a century. (Oh Lord, I've never put it that way!) They will be mitigated only if I consciously discipline myself. But they are not attached to gender. Of course, these problems are my own problems, and I can't put this template upon anyone else, but I will say this: As we explore our gender nature, we should explore the entirety of our selves. Our transition to our true selves may be a the fulfilment of part of our beings, and may well clear the way for further mental, emotional, and spiritual growth, but some major aspects of our selves remain unchanged and must be dealt with separately.

(I come out of this with the feeling that I have belabored the obvious, but at least it explains my absence over the past month and a half.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to find that "to-do" list.